Throw all reason out the window
by EsmeTyler
Summary: In which Lelouch contracts the deadly disease fangirlsartisticlicence and falls pregnant with Suzaku's child. Multiple times. Drabbles ensue.


**Disclaimer: **I own tap shoes, here, watch me tapdance for your amusement so that you can throw change into the hat on the ground in front of me just to emphasise how fucking poor I am.

**Soliloquy: **I don't even _know _man, perhaps this is a combination of my criticisms about the fandom, the idea of M-Preg (are fangirls SO adverse to adoption?) and maybe _Code Geass _itself, believe it or not there are things I actually detest about that show, Table-humping anyone? I mean was there really a single fucking _point _to that? On the subject of M-Preg, not to say that I haven't read some fanfiction where the idea of a male character getting pregnant is explained pretty well, but the majority of M-Preg fics I've read just have it...happen. As if its a secret or something. Its like in those old movies whenever Cary Grant was about to get it on with his lady love and the camera would pan lazily towards the curtains...

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><p><strong>Throw all reason out the window<strong>

**Chapter One-** Vulcans without Logic.

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><p>It was by the fifth positive test that Lelouch finally accepted the cold hard facts.<p>

"No no no no no no no no no no no no no NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."

Understandably the level of shock these cold hard facts produced was so large that 'acceptance' of the existence of these cold, hard facts did not automatically constitute an abrupt end to Lelouch's freaking out about understanding the enormity of these COLD, HARD FACTS.

Lelouch's eyes darted across the chorus line of pregnancy tests balanced on the edge of the sink, each brand (For efficiencies sake Lelouch had brought five separate brands) displaying either a plus sign, a concise and horrifying statement or in one case, bizarrely, a smiley face. Why a smiley face? What if the revelation of such a test wasn't supposed to bring a smile to Lelouch's face? What part of this convoluted mess of an experience would bring a FUCKING SMILE to his face!

With a yell of anguish, Lelouch's hand swept across the tests, flinging them to different corners of the small bathroom, one stick landing in the basin and baring the truth up at him in one clear word in block capitals.

**PREGNANT.**

Overwhelmed by the storm of emotions, and perhaps fuelled by the hormones identified as a side affect of fucking _pregnancy_, Lelouch sat down on the toilet seat and did what he hadn't done for many, many years.

He had a good cry. Complete with self-sympathetic wails and fat, wet teardrops.

Eventually C.C, who up until this point had been pleasantly flipping through a magazine about knitting, tentatively swung open the bathroom door (locks didn't seem to effect this woman) and padded over to the still bemoaning Lelouch, leaning down to his eye-level and surveying him with a mostly hollow stare that was oddly tinted with curiosity. "Hey. You okay?"

Lelouch answered in incoherent wails until C.C firmly shook her head, "I can't understand a WORD you're saying…" Lelouch glared wetly at her, fiercely wiping his eyes on his sleeve before repeating, more clearly this time-

"I'M PREGNANT."

-C.C, in response to this, blinked twice before replying eloquently, "GET OUT. Really?"

Lelouch's eyes narrowed to mere slits, "YES, I'm pregnant, do you think I would lie about THIS!" and he dramatically stood up and fumbled for the pregnancy test in the sink, wrenching it out and brandishing the positive face in C.C's eye line. C.C made a face of distaste and batted away Lelouch's hand, "I don't want your pee-stick, gross…" and then she turned around abruptly, whipping her long hair into Lelouch's face and strolling out of the bathroom, her aversion to urine on plastic sticks apparent. Lelouch, after a moment, realised he was _indeed _holding his own pee in stick form and flung the offending test into the bin before furiously washing his hands and stalking out into his adjoining bedroom. C.C had resumed her reading, lounging on the bed in her default impassive manner and more or less ignored Lelouch, even as he placed himself at the bedside with a grim face and hands on hips.

C.C eventually acknowledged that 'the baby wanted attention' and, with a soft sigh, raised her head and feigned interest. "So, how did you get preggers Lulu?"

'Lulu' huffed, and then his face softened as he turned his head to the far side of the room with a glassy, nostalgic tint to his gaze, recalling the events that had proceeded that morning...

-Insert Flashback Mode Here-

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><p>Lelouch twiddled his thumbs together as he waited impatiently in Dr. Expositions office, seated atop the metal examination table and subconsciously anticipating the results of the tests.<p>

Lelouch had been feeling nausea and exhaustion for around two weeks now and despite the pressings of a concerned Shirley and a worried Suzaku had refused to seek medical advice, dismissing the symptoms as a result of a lack of sleep (what with the double-life and all) and maybe a mild case of the flu.

However, when Lelouch began to actually vomit excessively and feel tenderness around the…_ahem_…nipple area, he had eventually fallen to his dear sisters sweet-voiced concerns and booked an appointment with a Doctor.

He looked up as the door opened and a stunned looking Dr. Exposition entered, clutching her clipboard to her chest and approaching the examination table slowly and stiffly. Eventually she made it and regarded Lelouch with a suddenly stern and serious nod, "Mr. Lamperouge." And Lelouch felt obligated to nod back, "Dr. Exposition."

She cleared her throat before pushing her glasses up her nose, bringing the clipboard to her eyes and glancing back and forth between Lelouch and the notes several times, eventually she posed a question. "Can I ask, Mr. Lamperouge, if you have engaged in…sexual intercourse within the past three to four weeks?" Lelouchs brow furrowed in confusion as his mind brought up a recent memory…

-Insert Flashback within a Flashback Here-

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><p>"You put it WHERE?"<p>

"You honestly didn't know? Wow, Lelouch, sorry but I thought you knew how this worked…"

"Well I didn't! And I can't imagine that putting _that_ in THERE is very hygienic!"

"Well, yeah, but it feels nice so..."

"Suzaku, if you _dare_ come near me I swear to god I will snap THAT _OFF_ with hedge shears."

"Lelouch, stop protesting or the Author will have to put a Dub-Con mention in the disclaimer…now lie still."

"Suzaku, NO…no, no…oh…OH…_ooooooh_…"

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><p>-Back to Original Flashback-<p>

Dr. Exposition blinked at the imagery in Lelouch's flashback, "Huh." Lelouch coughed, "Yes, as my flashback within a flashback shows, I did engage in…intercourse with my best friend/gay lover about three weeks ago." Here, Lelouch turned his head to the far side of the room with a glassy, nostalgic tint to his gaze, eventually he continued.

"I certainly didn't plan for it to happen and we weren't exactly prepared but, it was a warm night but somehow it was also raining so Suzaku, who had stayed for dinner that night had been unable to leave, so of course I invited him to stay over. And then suddenly it was somehow cold and so we thought it best to share a bed and each others body heat and _so_ swept up in our repressed sexual tension and/or the passion of the moment were we that we began to-" he broke off from his would-be homoerotic monologue to raise an important question.

"Why would you need to know that?" and then a horrified expression fell over his face, "Oh fuck, do I have _Chlamydia_? Did that bastard give me Chlamydia! Oh, the next time I see him I will kick him where it hurts and-!" Dr. Exposition disrupted the rant by clearing her throat loudly. "ACTUALLY Mr. Lamperouge" gaining Lelouchs attention, "Your urine tests didn't have any signs of STI's so yippee for that…" she gave a nervous half-smile and a thumbs up to Lelouch, he frowned. "So what is so wrong that you would need to know my current sexual history of which really there's only one account so I wouldn't call it _history_ per say but still-"

"You're pregnant."

"…I'm sorry what?"

Dr. Exposition stared at the clipboard, not meeting Lelouch's gaze, before repeating, "You're pregnant." Lelouch stared blankly at the woman before rebuffing the claim, "Nu-Uh." Dr. Exposition frowned slightly before looking at him, "Ya-Huh, look." She held up the clipboard to Lelouch, across the test results emblazoned in big black sharpie was **BOY IS PREGNANT LOGIC BE DAMNED**. Lelouch peered at the letters before biting his lip, repressing the sheer tidal wave of angry disbelief and panic that was slowly drowning his insides. He politely attempted to strike up a conversation as to the cause of his apparent sudden ability to conceive.

"How the FUCK did this happen?"

"W-well, Mr. Lamperouge, c-can I call you Lelouch?"

"No."

"Right, well Lelouch, what's happened to you is something that I've never personally seen before but I've heard of several similar cases. In recent years the numbers of determinedly male persons falling pregnant has risen so high that the Medical Board has even given a name to this condition, called_ Fangirlsartisticlicence_."

"…Fangirlsartisticlicence?"

"Fangirlsartisticlicence. You see Lelouch, within the past few months you've most likely exhibited a certain level of affection towards a male companion, in your case your best friend/gay lover Suzaku, in relation you have also engaged in…sexual intercourse with said male companion. This is known as 'Fan-pandering' and usually results in badly written Fills on the livejournal kink meme, or male pregnancy."

Lelouch blinked slowly, his genius brain attempting to glue all the new pieces of information together; his decided action was to protest the exposition Dr. Exposition had given. "That sounds a bit too 'breaking the Fourth Wall', is there anyway that THIS can be explained within the context of the plot or within mildly scientific or theoretically possible means?" Dr. Exposition considered this for a moment.

"…Aliens? The aliens made it possible for you to get knocked up."

"…How about immortal witches with a penchant for eating pizza, providing fanservice and talking to my dead mother?"

"Sure, why not?"

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><p>-Back to the Future-<p>

C.C blinked at the imagery in Lelouch's flashback, "Huh." Lelouch frowned heavily before declaring, "SO. This is all your fault…somehow." C.C looked up at him, narrowed her eyes for several long seconds, before shrugging, "Sure, okay, whatever." And she flipped a page of the magazine with a saliva-tipped finger.

Lelouch sat down on the bed and stared down at his abdomen…and his _womb_. He poked it and grimaced, "I didn't believe her so after I left I went to the Chemist and brought some pregnancy tests, drank like seven glasses of orange juice and now I'm definitely sure I'm pregnant…well ain't that a kick in the teeth?" C.C leaned back against her pillow, "Yeah, who'd of thunkit?" before turning another page, "Do you think I would suit a cream crochet hat? I think I would."

And she mentally congratulated herself on how hot and not-pregnant she was.

After a few minutes of silence C.C eventually finished her magazine and directed her attention to her next object of entertainment, who up until now had been gazing blankly at the wall with both hands clutched at his stomach. She breathed out through her nostrils loudly and asked "So, I'm assuming that you'll eventually tell your BFF that you've got a little foetus inside of you that's half HIS?"

Lelouch slowly turned his head towards her, a flash of remembrance and dread flitting across his eyes, "Yeah, I guess I'll have to tell Suzaku, its only right-" he moved his hands from clutching his stomach to clutching at the bedspread, "-but since a fanfiction in drabble form can't be any more than four pages per chapter I'll have to wait until the next update."

C.C nodded slowly, "I see" and Lelouch nodded slowly in response.

For yet another long while there was silence, as the chapter dwindled down C.C propositioned a further emasculating experience to Lelouch.

"Wanna braid each others hair?"

"…Fine."

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><p><strong>Exposition, Exposition Everywhere.<strong>


End file.
